MOTHERS AND MENTORS

Good Women

For all you mothers in the world, Happy Mother’s Day this week.

And for all you female goddesses–amazing mentors, role models–happy day too!

Now for my small u-turn—

I appreciate Mother’s Day, I really do. So don’t hate me when I say this–but Mother’s Day feels like another Easter Sunday to me. A little too much of same, too soon. There, I said it.

If you know me, this will come as a pretty big surprise, because no one loves tradition more than me. And no one loves mother figures, mentors, or an excuse for a family get-together more than me.

I’ve actually been (affectionately, I swear) called the black hole, and my apartment dubbed “Hotel California,” because I love it when people, including all the moms and sisters in my life, come, and I hate it when they go. Anything that brings family, friends, and food together is my thing.

And I have great memories around Mother’s Day. When my boys were little, they were incredibly cute—breakfast in bed, big energy, the whole thing. I look back on those days and smile…though I’ll admit, those mornings usually ended in sugar highs (theirs), watered-down coffee, and big messes, and of course, you know who cleaned those up!

As they got older, our tradition changed. If we weren’t traveling (Mother’s Day in England often fell on a bank holiday) I’d often make brunch, especially when my mother or mother-in-law joined. And I loved that. It was a way to celebrate them, but also to show my boys what appreciation and respect for the women in their lives looked like.

But the truth is, I’ve always felt my guy’s love and respect most days, so when Mother’s Day comes around, I don’t feel a huge need to celebrate it myself. I enjoy celebrating other mothers and mother figures in my life more.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys’ gestures and thoughtfulness—I’d be sad if they didn’t remember me—but I feel very lucky to have always felt appreciated by them.

And that’s what got me thinking…

GODDESSES

The Good and The Great

Back to goddesses!

Moms are definitely goddesses, but there are some other really important mother-like mentor figures who have a hand in who we become that deserve to be recognized too. I put them right up there with moms because they bring the same qualities into our lives, helping raise us, shape us, and guide us into grown-up versions of ourselves.

My mother is my one and only of course, but she would be the first to agree with this.

Mothers play a powerful role in raising us. But if you really look at your life, it’s rarely just one woman who does that shaping. It’s usually many.

Motherhood, even the idea of “mothering,” can mean different things to each of us. And, the concept has broadened over the years to include more of the formative women in our lives. For some, it’s natural. A calling. A hope. It’s a deeply positive and grounding part of life.

For others, it’s more layered. Not every woman aspires to be a mother, and not every experience of motherhood—our own or with our mothers—is simple. And that’s okay. It’s real.

What feels more universal is this: most of us can point to a handful of women who influenced who we became.

Because when it comes to shaping a life, it really does take a village. Maybe it’s just a more modern one in today’s world.

THE SHAPE OF US

Nona’s, Nancy’s and Neighbors

It doesn’t matter who she is or where she comes from—if she plays a role in your life, you will be influenced by her. And there’s a reason.

We learn by watching and through association.

This isn’t just true for women, by the way. Men are just as shaped by the women in their lives, especially early on. The difference is, it tends to set the tone in different ways.

The way your mother acted under pressure when you were growing up. Whether she was nurturing (or not), whether your grandmother was sweet or stern, or the memories of your aunt as always smelling nice and being stylish (like mine)-- girl or boy, every trait the women around you carried—from personality and habits to carriage and temperament, was quietly coding you.

It could be a family member, a family friend, a teacher, or a boss—how these women acted and spoke around you, and to you, registered. You picked up their standards, their biases, their mannerisms, and over time, those things became a part of you, informing what you’d carry into the world.

It’s how we’re wired. And by the way, it doesn’t stop. These influences play a role until the day we die.

What’s interesting is that we seem to have our own identity filter, much like taste, that constantly presents observations and behaviors to us that we either accept or deny, like or dislike. And this is where it gets interesting—we’re far more likely to adopt behaviors from women we relate to, or like, especially when those behaviors are consistent.

Love is a given in the early years. We’re wired to love our mothers, but liking her, or other women around you, is the distinction. That’s why certain women stay with you. Others—the ones you don’t identify with, disagree with, or are even repelled by—can push your attitude and belief system toward women in a very different direction.

Needless to say, these things shape how you see women, yourself, your relationships with them, and the world.

The upside to good role models: Exposure to strong, capable women throughout childhood has been shown to increase confidence and performance, particularly in younger women. It sets an early norm, raising girls’ internal bars and expanding what feels possible for their futures.

For young men, the influence tends to shape their confidence too, but it carries even greater weight in how they relate to women—what they respect, how they communicate, and the attitude and behaviors they carry toward them into personal relationships as adults.

There’s also a real effect on decision-making for both young women and men.

When you’ve grown up seeing a mother or strong female handle situations with reason and calm—whether it’s tough conversations, boundary-setting, or moments of pressure—you adopt similar behavioral traits. You grow up more assertive, more confident. You make decisions faster, act faster, and respond with less hesitation. You’re more likely to trust your instincts as well.

On a biological level, strong female relationships have also been linked to lower stress and greater resilience. That effect applies broadly to both women and men, though women tend to rely on it more consistently.

The bottom line: Being around women who are steady, clear, and supportive helps prepare you for life, regulating your responses and shaping you into a healthier, more grounded adult.

This is the incredible influence women have on us, and why it’s so important, if you’re a woman, that you use our power well.

Moms, Nona’s, Nancy’s, and neighbors—-all have the potential to be goddesses.

QUALITY OVER QUANTITY

The Women Who Shaped Me

I’m full of paradoxes this week. Another funny thing about my relationships with women—I love them, and am a huge fan of supporting other women, but I don’t consider myself a girl’s girl.

Groups of women can veer too loud for me. I’ve always preferred smaller circles. While I have a big group of amazing college friends that I love, I only see them a few times a year, and keep only a handful of women close to me.

Having said that, some of the most formative relationships in my life have been with women—mothers, friends, and role models—and there’s nothing I enjoy more than mentoring young women.

It’s just always been quality over quantity for me. In everything.

I’m so curious to know how female relationships have shaped you. I hope you’ll leave comments.

For me, I watched, listened, and drew lessons from all sorts of women and I still watch and learn today.

But, I’d have to say these were my strongest female influences—

My Mother.

She provided unconditional love. She wholeheartedly believed, and led me to believe I could do anything. This instilled self worth and confidence in me from an early age. These were each, singularly, the best gifts she could have ever given me– and the same ones I’ve tried to instill in my boys. My mom worked a lot, but I have to give her credit, she really made everyday moments special, and the holidays too. She always insisted on lighting candles and setting a nice table for dinner. She cared how things were presented.

My Grandmother.

Irene. We called her Rennie. An angel, the softest, kindest woman ever. She was also quietly forceful in the cutest way if anyone crossed a line– she rarely got upset so these moments were almost sweet to watch--but oh boy, if you cursed or said god’s name in vain, you’d be in big trouble. She’d give you her sideways glance with a raised eyebrow. Rennie was always calm, dignified and proud. She was the first to teach me food was love and should always be generously shared

My Aunt.

Darlene. Larger than life. She made a big impression on me as a young girl. She was wealthy and very glamorous. I felt chosen by her. She would fly me to Dayton, Ohio on her husband’s plane for weeklong visits. This was such a crazy departure from any reality I knew. My mother always had to be very conscious of spending so Darlene’s life was a dream. She had a cook, housekeepers, and eight Shih Tzus! Personal shoppers would fly in from Neiman Marcus and deliver racks of dresses and coats. Rooms were built out closets filled with clothing and shoes. She wore Harry Winston jewels, the entire set—the cocktail ring with matching bracelet, necklace, and earrings, during the day! She had a huge bathtub where she’d let me take bubble baths. I watched her in awe–she was like a movie star to me. Always kind and beyond generous, but sad too. It was only as an adult that I came to understand her absence during evenings when a housekeeper would step in during my stays. Darlene was an alcoholic.

My Mother-in-law.

Elisabeth. A force to be reckoned with if you dared debate politics, religion, the Romans or Greeks with her–and God help you if you discussed all at once. I learned a ton from her. I often refer to Elisabeth as my adult education. Where my mother and grandmother taught me kindness and generational cooking which was all rooted in tradition and love, Elisabeth taught me skill. She was well educated, had been to cooking schools, loved everything home and owned every gadget and appliance known for home. She had a penchant for expensive linens, paper and French soap. She was a Julia Child’s devotee, the original Martha. The woman knew a house inside and out, and was elegant and dignified. Elisabeth was a great mentor and mother in law.

THE MODERN VILLAGE

It’s Bigger Than One

When I really step back and look at all of this—the mothers, the mentors, the women who showed up in big ways and small for me—it’s clear it was never just one person. It was a collection. I like to think that I took the best of all their qualities and lessons and now it’s my responsibility to pass them along.

So yes, celebrate Mother’s Day. Celebrate your mom. Cherish her if she’s still with you. But also take a moment to think about the other women who helped shape you along the way—the ones who set the standards that today you live by, showed you something new, or invited you to see the world in a different way.

And if you’re in a position to do that for someone else, please do. Because we’re a larger part of people’s stories than we know sometimes.

By the way, while Mother’s Day is technically meant to be a day off, I’ll be doing what I love, making brunch, for my son who’s here in New York along with a few of his friends who won’t be with their mom’s Sunday.

I’ll be sharing a short bonus Substack this week with my Mother’s Day menu and a few easy recipes in case you want to mark the day in a simple way.